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| Minnesota River before dawn. Photo by Jeff Beddow ©2017 |
I am in my second year of treatment of my Chronic Leukocytic Lymphoma. My oncologist is Dr. Sameer Parikh of the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. My treatment seems to be causing side effects and I have added heart failure to my other probems.
Next Tuesday I will see Dr. Parikh and my cardiologist to figure out why I am short of breath and have experienced splitting headaches for a few weeks.
Today is the first day in over a month that I woke up with no tinnitus, no headache, no feeling of a low grade ear infection or pressure behind my eyes. I worked in the garage for an hour and felt tired, but I wasn't panting or gasping for breath after climbing stairs, etc.
Perhaps I have had a spontaneous remission of whatever acute issues have forced me to cut my cancer meds back to 1 pill a day from 3.
In the meantime, outside of the fear and depression that attends downturns in one's wellbeing, I have had wonderful days with my wife and cat, celebrated my 70th birthday, continued to work on my Minnesota River photography project.
But I have to deal with the flatline that my life has tended toward. The old saying was "all you need for a good life was "something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to."
That saying weighs heavily on me. I don't look forward to anything except more bad medical news.
My life is a succession of uncertainties leading to a certain grim end, according to modern science and medicine. My treatment consists of a biologic, a pill tailored to unmask the proliferation of white blood cells in my blood and bone marrow. The cancer disguises the extra cells, and hides them from the macrophages that would eliminate them to make room for new cells. Instead they pile up, like a snow drift, clogging passages, taking up space that new cells need to live in. It is an incurable process. My biologic seems to have kept the worst of the symptoms of the CLL under control, but now the medicine seems to be creating side effects that might prevent me from continuing the treatment. I also take a beta-blocker for my heart problems.
My heart is losing its capacity. It seems to be the case both at the metaphorical and physical level. I am at risk of a condition called Atrial Fibrillation, which I might be suffering and can lead to heart attacks. I definitely have diminished circulation due to ventricular problems, which reduce the blood pumped through the lower left chamber of my heart to only 35% of full capacity...a certain diagnosis of heart failure.
I do have more than one person to love. I have a wonderful granddaughter, although she lives in Japan and I can only enjoy her through the stream of photos her mother sends me on a regular basis. I love my son and his wife. I love my wife and my cat with limitless gratitude.
In many areas I am most grateful for the way my life has progressed. I am writing and doing photography at a high level of quality. My software development keeps me involved in cutting edge research.
So, the question is, what do you need to live a good life? Do you really need something to look forward to? It begs the question that perhaps the moments without anticipation are really the moments we are most fully present in our life, and I have plenty of them.
I might have it pretty good. What do you think?
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